Wow, guys, so much has been happening – emotionally, spiritually, physically, grad school-wise. I don’t even know if I can catch you all up.
I’ve been a bit off the radar due to prep for a committee meeting to see if I can graduate in a year, then anxiety about getting everything I need to get done in that year. Then the summer started, and I’m back to only working four days a week, adding to my anxiety. Then I fell into the depression hole again.
Like major, in-your-face, depression. I didn’t want to get out of bed, do anything all day (except online shop, which only masks the problem and makes me feel good for about 10 seconds, then I just feel guilty), or even try to get work done. Almost as bad as the first waves of postpartum depression.
Let’s just say, I wasn’t expecting it. And that’s the hard thing about mental health. The second you think you’re better, you fall apart again. Something triggers you. Obviously, graduate school is my trigger. Or it could be my hormones, but who really knows?
So I’ve been silent on the blog because with so much going on, something had to give. And I had to take care of myself first.
So I’d appreciate some prayers as I navigate this “living” with anxiety part of my life.
I suppose I should start off my first post with a caveat: I don’t actually have a PhD (yet). I’m almost four years into it, with probably two more to go. It’s definitely a long drawn out process, complicated by the birth of my daughter, Lily, almost six months ago. Having jumped back into the academic life, I’ve had to juggle a lot. Being a working mom and Catholic scientist has been an interesting adjustment. I feel torn in multiple directions – being a great scientist that makes cancer-curing discoveries, being the best mom that takes her daughter to playgroups and does daily crafts, and growing closer to God in the silence of prayer. As I tried to reconcile these desires, I fell into some pretty serious anxiety and depression (perhaps another post in the making). Eventually I had to accept that I am a Catholic mom first and foremost, and a scientist second. Hence the name: Catholic Mama, PhD. While I would love to be able to stay home with my daughter each and every day, I know that being a scientist makes me a better mom in the same way it makes me a better daughter of God.
Let me explain.
When I first started graduate school, I searched for other faithful thinkers in the scientific community. Not that there aren’t any, but it seems to be a hidden group. The general assumption is that science and faith don’t go together. I disagree with this assumption. I have the unique opportunity to look at the wonder of God’s creation on a microscopic level. The intricacies of how we are made astound me. The fact that I can’t explain the complexities of life only solidify my faith in God. Because if everything around us – from the physics of gravity to the biology of our bodies – works so perfectly, it can’t be an accident. It has to be designed by something, or rather Someone, who is greater than I can even imagine.
I see my daughter making these discoveries every day. She learns something new, and it amazes me how the simple things can astonish her. I imagine this is how God sees us. He allows us to discover the wonders of the world, made so perfectly. We don’t understand everything, just as Lily doesn’t understand why the carpet feels different from the couch, but we can explore using the gifts God gave us.
As I make discoveries in the lab, I also get to learn from Lily about the simplicity of the world and the questions I should be asking. Asking why doesn’t lessen my faith in God, but it does make me a better mom. I hope to be a model for my little girl in that way. Questions shouldn’t hinder, rather they should inspire us to discover and grow.
So I started this blog to share my thoughts and discoveries as I navigate this new life balancing motherhood and graduate school. It’s therapeutic for me, but I hope other people benefit from my crazy musings. Happy Reading!